This Isn't the Life I Signed Up For

Yes I have titled this the same as Megan Clark titled hers. We are currently going through a study by Donna Partow titled this isn't the life I signed up for. So fitting with the title I thought that I would catch you all up on my life so far this year.

This summer I was in a wreck. While admitting that the wreck was my fault was the easiest part, forgiving myself for the fact that it was my fault is the hardest part. I have always known that I inflict guilt onto myself, and therefore I am always the hardest person to forgive. I tend to forgive others easier than myself.

When I returned back to SFA I quickly learned how hard it was to find a job. This action has always been fairly easy for me. But after a while I decided to take a brake from the job hunt, live off of the money I saved this summer, and focus more on my studies.

When I returned back to SFA I also got back into the studying, which sometimes proves to be more difficult than I remember. I have spent most of my days studying which is both a good and bad thing.

Well onto the better parts of this year. God has blessed me with an amazing roommate this year. She and I get along so amazingly. I am so grateful that she came into my life! She is such an amazing friend and keeps me on track

While studying is hard I don't regret it at all. I am even more so convinced that I chose the right major and future profession. I love learning all about Speech Pathology and I have met a lot of great people also in this major.

I am in an apartment this year. This is so much better than the dorms. It is so hard to even explain the joy I feel when I walk through the door and think this is my apartment.

I have to say though the best part of this year has been the times that I have gotten to spend with chipmunk (Megan). I took a trip to go see her at aTm for the SFA vs. aTm football game. And I stepped outside of my box in more ways than one

And finally another thing Chipmunk and I did was going to a great concert called The Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, and Camp Rock friends. Yes I still like the Jonas Brothers and if you don't like it you can get over it because I am done apologizing for who I am. It helps to know people! Because I know somebody Megan and I got within like 10 feet of them. I have a friend who took us down to the front for a couple of songs. It was amazing

Well that is all for now so yea!

Getting into the swing of things

Well it's that time again. School is back in session. It has been a crazy stressful week from getting settled into my apartment to trying to find a job, at times it has felt like it has been non stop. But I get the sense that I have relaxed at night when my roommate and I hang out and watch t.v and be lazy.

As bad of a cook I am I have even started cooking and have given no one food poisoning!!! I really have noting to write but my best friend want me to be writing more blogs so I am. Here you go Meagan!!

Alright i'm gone

So my best friend gave me a blogger award to help stimulate my blogging. So hopefully it worked. Part of the rules are to say 7 things you may or may not know about me so here it goes.

The 7 things

1. I am very family and friends oriented. Next to God my family and friends are the most important things in my life. They have always been there for me and I have absolutely no idea where I would be without them. They are my rock and help me through pretty much every step of my life.

2. I used to dance. I was on my drill team for two and a half years. I had some great times of my life on that team.

3. I attend Stephen F. Austin State University. I am majoring in Speech Pathology. This is my second year in college and I am a junior.

4. I am a klutz. I have injured myself many times. I even have a scar on my chest from when I burnt myself with cheese pizza.

5. I have had to deal for many years of my own personal battle of living up to my sister. Growing up she was everything I wanted to be, and I wanted her life so much. That is probably why we fought so much when we were younger. But as I got older I learned that I am not her, and even though it is not wrong to look up to her, I will never be her and never will have her exact life. So now it is that I have to learn how to look up to her without trying to be her.

6. While I have dated before, I have never actually had an official boyfriend. But at the end of the day I am waiting for the right guy. I have standards and while some may say that they are too high, I see it as I know what I want and I am not willing to give up on that.

7. Even though I have amazing friends I still get lonely. I am used to spending time by myself but I crave to be around people, and without that I end up lonely and wishing I were with my friends. And even though I am waiting for the right guy, I can't wait to find the guy who will stand by my side. I can't wait to have a guy love me for all my qualities and inequalities.

So I had a long conversation with one of my best friends today Chipmunk. We talked about our relationship, where we've been and where we are now. We had an interesting relationship for awhile. She was in a not so great relationship and always would call me for advice, counseling, and someone to talk to her when she was crying. I never held this against her. For me being there for someone is not what a good person does, it is what a friend does, and better yet it is what a best friend does. While we did have our disagreements during that time of her not always investing a lot in our relationship, we stuck through it.

Through this relationship I have learned to not be afraid to tell people how I feel. I remember a time when I felt like she was not investing time into our relationship, that I sat in the bathroom of my high school telling her over the phone that she needed to tell me things again and invest time into our relationship. After that things changed and were back to normal with us. Most people say that you don't stay close to your friends from high school, but she is two years older than me and we have been through so much that I don't think it is possible for us not to be friends. My life wouldn't be the same without her.

While I have never thought twice about helping my friends and being there for them , I think that I have come to loose myself in that. I am a people pleaser. I live to make them happy. That is definitely not one of my better qualities. Because I always want other people to be ok, I tend to find myself not to ask people to help me when I am down and tend to deal with it on myself. This is funny to me because I would do anything to help my best friends and I know they would do anything to help me. So why do I have to be so stubborn and strong to deal with my own problems. I find this even more funny because in my best friends blog she also admitted to feeling bad about calling me when she needed something.

I can't do anything on my own. I have to have help. So apparently both her and I need to stop feeling bad about asking for help and just do it. Because I know that if I don't it will be a lonely and hard life. I give and give and give but at some point I have to open up and take. And if I don't do this how can I expect for one day when I am married for me to accept my husbands help. So it is something that both my best friend and I will work on together.

Uplifting Things

I had a long talk with my best friend today. We were talking about who we used to be and who are today. It is amazing to see how much we have grown since 4 years ago when we met. The things we've been through and the trials we have had together have just brought us closer and to who we are today.

When we met we were two completely different people. She has always looked to me to be her spiritual mentor and while I have been honored for her to see me as that I didn't always feel like I was the best person for the job. I have supported her through everything and been there so that she could have a shoulder to cry on. Our relationship has had its bumps in the road and its trials, but we have persevered through it and have remained friends. And I am so glad for that.

We have both grown so much in an amount of 4 years and part of that is because of the things we both went through in our lives. But now we have both grown so much in our spiritual lives with Christ. I have always been the person to call her out on her crap, but now she is so much stronger in her walk with Christ that she can also be that person for me.

It is so good to have accountability in your life. Not only is she the one who will tell me when I am controlling my life, or being a people pleaser, or anything else, she is also the person who tells me that I deserve a certain type of guy, that I don't need to think about what could be and focus on the present. She is a person who tells me that I deserve everything in the world and when I think that I should settle she tells me not to. But she is also the person who asks me about my walk with Christ and if she doesn't think that I am putting enough time in with Christ she tells me straight up. I am so thankful that she is my best friend and so thankful that she is able to do that for me. It is hard that she is not at college with me but I also have a new best friend up here to do that for me.

I am so thankful that God put people like this in my life because I truly needed it. After this year at college I realized some things. I know that we are called to make disciples of men and that we are to have non-christian friends. But living with non-christians is definitely a hard thing to do. I am grateful to have christian friends who are uplifting, but in order to give out and be that fisher of men you have to also have time with God and feed your spiritual life and your relationship with him.

I have grown so much with my relationship with Christ and I look forward to continuing growing with him. And I can't wait to see the amazing adventures my best friend and I have. I have more to say but more will come

Us then...

Us Now!!!!

God is Good

I recently have been thinking about my plans for next year. I have finally picked a major or I guess it picked me when I stumbled across it, I have found a group of girls who I absolutely love spending time with, and I have been reconnected with a good friend of mine who lives in Nacogdoches and I love spending time with her and her family (that is obvious because I am with them during a lot of my free time). I have grown so much this past year and I am truly becoming my own person. This year has not come without its trials but it is the struggles and trials that make us stronger. So when seeing how great this year has been I was wondering how next year would top it.

I plan on taking summer classes this summer so that I can achieve my goal of having 60 hours to move off campus. But when planing this out things kept coming up. I soon realized when nothing was going my way that I was trying to take control over my life. I asked myself the question of what message am I sending to people, myself, and God when I try to control my own life. We all sin and we all struggle but I was trying to control my life so much that I was sending the message of God could not handle my life and that I could do better at it. I was convicted of this when I got back to school. I felt like I was losing control over my life. Summer classes weren't working out, I didn't have a place to live for next year, and even though I knew I could get an apartment by myself I knew that my parents were uncomfortable with that so that was not the most ideal situation. But when I was convicted of having control over my life I broke down and prayed. I just kept telling God that I knew it would be hard for me to give up control but I couldn't do it anymore, it was too stressful and too time consuming. It has not been without struggle giving up control and I still have been having my moments but I am definitely getting better at it. And when I gave up control I could see things start to turn around.

My summer classes started to come together. Even though they have not fully come together I have put my trust in God that He will work it all out. But what made me really want to write this was the exciting news I got today. I went on a retreat this past weekend and got to talking to one of my really good friends here and a girl we had just met. We realized that we were all looking for roommates and a place to live next year. My friend Michelle who was one of the girls I was talking to told us that she is looking for roommates so she could keep renting the house that she was already living in. Nothing was definite but we all decided that sounded like a perfect idea. The other girl even remembered another girl who needed a place to live to make up the one last person that we needed. Everything seemed to be coming together but nothing was official. So we just started praying that God's will be done. Well today I got a call that the owner is going to let us rent the house. God has blessed me so much, my roommates love God and will be there to lift me up when I fall down. It amazes me what can happen when you let God take the reigns of your life. I will keep praying that he continues to work everything out.

I don't know what next year will bring but it doesn't really matter. It is already looking better than this year. I will continue to trust in God and in His plan for my life. And with that it will be a great year and I can't wait for it to start.

There is still hope girls that there are good guys out ther

I was talking to one of my best friends today and we got on the subject of guys, what we look for in them, and if there are any still out there who are what we are looking for. As I was feeling discouraged she told me about this guy that she is dating who is exactly what we both have been looking for. Giving me a glimmer of hope. She told me about a blog she wrote and I would like to share it with all of you.


As women we get discouraged frequently the more time we spend with the male gender. They never seem to meet expectations. Shoot forget expectations, how about socially polite minimums? Any woman in the dating sphere would agree with me on that. Even if he doesn't seem that way you tell yourself, give him a week or two- bet he won't be so sweet then. And normally you are right. He quits saying sweet things or doing what you like and he becomes just like every other guy. Distant. Harsh. Unemotional. Insensitive. Uncaring. I understand that we all set ourselves up with too high of expectations between our upbringing of Disney princesses who not only find prince charming, but he sings to you, then as we age we surround ourselves with romantic comedies that portray men not as they are, but as women wish they would be (with the exception of a select few movies like The Ugly Truth). Most women at this point are so frustrated between their perfect idea of romance and what men offer these days. So I thought I would offer some encouragement to those whoever might be reading. There is hope. There may and probably aren't many and patience is actually more important than searching but it's there. There are a few good men out there who still believe in chivalry. Who believe faith in God is the most attractive quality. Who will sit and discuss a Godly future without cringing. Who not only open the door that they themselves must also enter through but who open both your car door AND pull out your seat when you sit to eat. Who pray before they eat. Who likes the same things you like to do and doesn't expect some sort of compliance or agreement to go do something manly. Who will go to church with you. Who's not afraid to meet your family. Who's not ashamed for you to meet his. Who likes to make plans for more things to do together. Who plans out the sweetest way to have that first kiss. Who holds you and keeps you feeling like the world is a happy place. Who's proud to say he is waiting for his wife. Who dreams like you of being the too adorable couple that others can't stand. Who talks about the kind of father he wants to be. Who uses God as a reference for all his speech. Who can sit and stare into your eyes and make you feel beautiful without words. Who thinks your flaws are adorable and part of your charm. And best of all, who allows you to be not the you that you were and have been but the you you always wished you could be. The best version of yourself. Sound like a fairy tale? Maybe so. But it's still out there. And if it's not, then some men must be excellent actors.

She was also telling me about these CD's she is listening to about how a guy should define the relationship by the 4th date, how he should date her and no one else, how after 3 or 4 months of dating he should have another define the relationship again and tell her that she may not be the one but he would like to date her more seriously because he would like to find out if she is, at this point he should court her, and after months of that if he feel like she is the one and it is God's will for him to marry her then he should ask her father's permission for her hand in marriage and purpose to her. There should be a short engagement so temptation does not get in the way. He should also live daily in the word and live his live according to it. Because if he is expected to be the spiritual leader of the household and she is to submit to him, then she should know what he lives his life for and see it in how he lives his life. It is so refreshing to me to know that there are still guys out there who believe this and live by this. But in the end we have to be patient and give it up to the Lord. For me if the Lord is not going to be in every aspect of a relationship then I don't want to be in that relationship. God has to be and is my #1 at all times, and I have to know who I am in him and have a strong relationship with him before I can ever be in a relationship with someone else. And when I do get into a relationship it will be in God's perfect time, because it will not be me controlling my life or the situation it will be all God. So girls there is still hope out there, but keep your eyes solely on the Lord because he will bring you happiness in Him.